Do you remember the Friends episode where Rachel and Ross were on a break and Rachel gave Ross a letter which was 6 pages front and back and in the letter she asked him to take full responsibility of what had happened in their relationship. Ross fell asleep and didn’t even read the letter fully but said yes to not knowing what it was he was saying yes to. When he found out, he yelled ‘ We were on a break’ and refused to take responsibility for it, than all kicked off and they had a big argument and ended their relationships again.
Right now, while I’m writing this post I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if she wrote that letter and took full responsibility of what had happened? At first she wouldn’t feel great about it and her ego would reject what she was writing and would want to blame Ross because in general, taking full responsibility means accepting making a mistake which would be followed by feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame.
But what if taking full responsibility of what had happened in our life is actually the highest form of self-respect?
What if each time when there is an argument , rather than blaming the other we turn within and find out our contributions to the situation?
How would that effect our relationships?
Would we have less pain or more?
Would we resolve the arguments quicker or not?
Why do we blame others especially when we are in an intimate relationship? What does blaming represents? How does it make us feel about the other person and ourselves?
We blame others because we have certain expectations of how a specific situation should occur and how the other person should respond to it. Blame is a form of control and it makes us feel better about ourselves because it means whatever happened was not our fault, we don’t have to take responsibility for it and feel bad about it. But what happens to love when we start to point fingers at each other? Is it about who is right, who is wrong or is it about what is right for the relationship and each other?
This can be a hard concept to swallow for many people and I personally have had challenges with it. Why do I have to take responsibility for something some else has done or said? If I take full responsibility , does that mean s/he can walk over me? Does that mean I don’t have boundaries? Let’s make one thing clear, we are not talking about any type of abusive relationships. We are referring to healthy and respectful relationships where both sides have a basic level of self-awareness.
Truth is no one can make us feel any way unless we allow them. I know it can be frustrating to hear this because if this statement is “true” we have to go within and find out why certain behaviour, person, word or situation is triggering us. Going within can be scary because we are entering an unknown territory and don’t know what we might end up finding out about ourselves. One of the main reasons why we find some’s words or behaviours upsetting is because of the meaning we are giving to it. What ever meaning we might be giving to mostly based on our background, experiences and childhood as well as cultural conditioning.
What would happen if we start to see things as they are and accepting ourselves and others as they are?
How would we feel when we have no-one to blame?
Who would we become?
What would happen to love?